A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £ 50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look,
I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it
home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The
woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New
house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Alex”.
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.”The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”“Praise the Lord,” the woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”The drunk answers, “Yes,I am.”So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.The preacher asked the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. Ihave two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say onething.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.